TheHolisticParent.ORG Babywise Vs. Attachment Parenting

Babywise Vs. Attachment Parenting

This is one of my favorite things to discuss. I have firsthand knowledge and
experience of both of these types of parenting and I have done extensive research of
each. To relay my point, I’ll start with some background information and then I’ll relay
our personal experiences.

For those of you that don’t yet know; Babywise is a very popular book by Gary Ezzo. Its
full name is On Becoming Babywise, but it is most commonly known as Babywise.
There are many books in the series now all the way up to parenting advice for teens.
This book has long been associated with the Christian Church and in fact I received
my copy of the book from my church. Many parents swear by this method of parenting,
but there are some very disturbing issues surrounding this method of parenting.

I’ll start with our story. We had our first son at a young age. I read one book on
parenting: Babywise. It was from my church, so I trusted it. Having nothing to compare
it to and no other knowledge, it made sense to me. So, we applied the parenting
principles. And you know what, it worked to an extent. The book says it can train the
baby to sleep through the night by six weeks and yep, my son did. By eight weeks of
age, he would sleep 12 hours through the night. We thought it was a miracle. To
achieve this though, I let him cry it out, ignoring his cries though it made me ache. The
more I ignored my instinctual desire to comfort him, the less attuned I was of my
instincts. My ability to respond to him was hindered. I thought it was normal for babies
to cry, however, and after a time his crying no longer bothered me. He was a
scheduled formula fed baby. We had to stay home a lot so we could stick to the rigid
schedule. He took long naps throughout the day. When he was awake, the book
advocated setting a baby down as it was wrong to hold him a lot. So, he went from
swing to bouncer to floor to another toy, etc. I have no memories of just sitting and
holding him while he slept or cuddling and playing with him on the couch when he
was awake. These are truly some of the most delicious parts of parenting that I
missed out on because I truly believed this book.

The less I held him, the less contact he had with me. He got used to not being held.
He was a very happy baby and didn’t cry much. When he did cry however, since I was
not well attuned to him, I felt I had no idea what he needed, and I was at a loss. I also
had the feeling whenever he cried of being burdened, and often though, “Ugh, he is
crying again”. He was not as easy to comfort as my daughter. I felt no confidence in my
ability to comfort him, and I felt he had no attachment to me specifically as his mother.
His face did not light up to see me as my daughter’s now does. He never really
“needed” me, or reached for me, or wanted comfort from me, or so I thought. I was
under the impression that I was helping him to gain independence (as if that is what
an infant needs). At around a year of age, I began to learn more about attachment
parenting and unconsciously started to abandon things I had learned in the Babywise
book. Thankfully because of this turnaround, I feel my son has turned out quite nicely
so far, though the ramifications of his first year of life are still unclear. I know that I have
lasting impressions and deep hurts from it though, and I desperately wish I had
known differently. I feel thankful we did not continue on with the Babywise method of
parenting from pottytraining to toddler rearing to teenager time.

With the birth of our daughter, I had a recollection of the Babywise book and felt
memories of being very uncomfortable with it though I didn’t remember why. I reread it
and was extremely alarmed from what I had now instinctually known to be true. I
decided to do research on it.

There are some very disturbing issues surrounding this book. The character of Gary
Ezzo has been called into question many times. It has been noted that he makes up
credentials for himself that he does not possess. The book originally started out with
simply him as the author, though later a pediatrician’s name was added to the book in
speculation of many to add credibility to the book. Gary Ezzo possesses no training in
the area of child development nor is it clear his relation to actually working in this area.
The book was originally released as a Christian book, but went mainstream by a
secular copy being released that removed God from the way of parenting. There were
some scary things in the Christian version of the book that made me question the
entire premise of the book.

One example of this is the recommendation of the author that a baby not be allowed to
play with his food or touch his face when eating. If this occurs (as it most certainly will
for this is the instinctual nature of a child) you are to slap the baby’s hands down. Now
get this, for the author feels this behavior is sinful. When I read this, it gave me chills.
As a Christian bible reader myself, I am assured nowhere does it say this. I am also
quite certain that if the good Lord intended playing with your food or rubbing it on your
face to be sinful, it would not be in the nature of a child who does not yet understand
sin. So, sure this book may work for putting your child on a schedule and getting them
to sleep through the night, but the underlying roots of the book are disturbing. This
leads me to wonder what the advice in the book may be doing to my child’s
development that I am not aware of.

Another issue with the advice in the book is the recommendations of breastfeeding.
The book states their position is an advocate of breastfeeding, but not at all costs.
Well, I fully realize that many women have some trouble with breastfeeding (most can
be overcome with some help), and there are a rare few that simply cannot for whatever
reason. But the vast majority absolutely have no excuse not to as this is the exact way
nature intended. Formula is not an appropriate substitute for breast milk. Period. They
imply that if breastfeeding doesn’t work with the schedule they impose or if it is simply
just too draining for the mother or will make her go insane, then it is acceptable to
forgo breastfeeding and switch to formula. This is false, false, false and exceptionally
bad advice. Breastfeeding is more important than any schedule. It will not make you
go insane. The early weeks can be a bit difficult. It is nature’s way of making you rest
and recover from birth, and you are not meant to get much done. If you can stick with it
however, your breastfeeding relationship with your baby will bloom into something
more beautiful than you could have ever imagined. Many of women are sad when it
comes to an end, and it does get easier over time. We have a great section of
breastfeeding with more information.

Continuing with the topic of breastfeeding, there is very bad advice in the book about
how to breastfeed and supply issues. The book advocates not feeding your baby too
often so they will not get in the habit of "snacking", and they outline a schedule to
follow irregardless of if the baby is showing hunger signs before this. Make them wait
even if they have to cry says the authors. They also state that your milk supply will not
increase the more times that you feed; that your supply will be the same whether or
not you feed five times verse ten. Though they do acknowledge that if you only feed one
time, you will not make as much milk as if you feed five times. This is hideous
breastfeeding advice and will undoubtedly cause supply issues. If you limit your
feedings to three to five feedings as they advocate in the early weeks, you will hinder
your milk supply severely. Babies are designed to breastfeed often as that is how your
supply gets maintained. You also do not know exactly how much milk your baby is
getting at each feeding. Limiting your baby can lead to low weight gain and failure to
thrive, which is a huge complaint with this program. It is also very dangerous. A
schedule may work with formula fed babies, but breastfed babies should not follow
such a strict schedule. Though, it is possible to eventually get a flexible routine down.
Personally, my baby eats when she is hungry. She is not overweight. She doesn’t
overeat. She is not a glutton as the book calls babies who are allowed to eat whenever
they are hungry, and because she is listening to her body and learning how to properly
meet her hunger needs, I doubt she will develop issues with food later on in life as the
book also ridiculously warns against.

More bad advice continues in the book. The book states to never let your child sleep in
your bed and goes on to list a whole host of problems that can be associated with
this. I feel every one of their assertions is false. I slept in my mom’s bed until I was
eight, and I do not feel I had any negative lasting consequences from it. On the
contrary, it was a very good thing for my development, and something I desperately
needed at the time. We grow up to sleep next to our partners for the rest of our lives,
so why is it we feel it is natural to put a tiny baby or a child in a bed in a room all by
their lonesome. With this program, a child is to also always sleep in their bed and
never take a nap elsewhere. All of this is to ensure that a child is properly trained to
sleep. Sleep is a natural function of the body that will be met whether or conscious
mind wants to allow if to happen or not. Eventually, it will overcome us. No one has to
be taught how to sleep well. It is a need, not a habit.

The book also states never to wear your baby in a sling or carrier; that a baby must be
set down. Why? If the baby was carried for nine months in the mother and cries if set
down as a little baby, then why would we believe it not natural to carry your baby? How
dumb. Babies are designed to be carried. This is evident in many mammals.

The method of parenting presented in this book is not backed by research. There are
many flippant comments made in the book that are designed to evoke emotion, but
are irrational. There are comments are the mother going insane due to her baby’s
demands and lack of schedule. Nothing could be further from the truth. You don’t need
a schedule to maintain your sanity. What you need is to enjoy your baby and relish in
the beautiful moments of being consciously available for your baby. There are other
comments of starving a baby because there is no schedule, and a terribly foolish
comment is made that all the mother will then be able to do is hold her baby in a sling
while he cries and starves to death. This is a very moronic comment that truly reveals
the stupidity of the authors. For one, if you’re holding you baby, you are very in tune with
your baby. No parent will just sit by and let their child starve either. Very poor and faulty
logic in that comment.

In conclusion, if the book was only about a schedule; that might be a different story.
But there is a lot of other harmful notions throughout the book. I have yet to find a way
to have my daughter sleep through the night and be on a schedule and still properly
meet her needs. Therefore, we don’t schedule. We have a fairly loose routine. She’s
flexible. She feels love and attention, and her needs are met. She doesn’t yet sleep
through the night and that doesn’t bother me a bit. She sleeps next to me, and I sleep
great. She wakes in the night either because she truly is hungry and needs to eat or
because she needs reassurance of a person nearby, and I give her a little hug, which
makes her content. I fail to see the problem with that. I believe it is all about what you
want as a parent. Do you want a healthy child whose needs are met? Do you want to
be closely bonded with your child? Do you want to be around for all their moments
including those at night? Do you want lots of time to cuddle and love? Do you want to
wake up next to a smiling face in the morning of the cutest person you have ever
seen? Or do you want your child to sleep through the night like a “good” baby who
never hassles you?

One final comment. It is important to know that many Christian churches have now
discontinued the support of the Babywise method. Just because the Babywise
method of parenting is not the best method does not necessarily equate to the
Christian church being bad. This would be faulty logic. The Babywise method was
simply poorly devised by a man who had a very skewed idea of religion and had little
experience in the area of childrearing.

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